Like you, my mum wasn’t those examples you highlighted, but she was a teenage mum. Although she was mature for her age and cared for me in the best way she knew how, I didn’t receive much guidance, because she lost her own mother when she was only seven. As for my dad, he was an intermittent actor in my life - again his own childhood was less than ideal. They both did their best.
I caught the worst part of it and was living on my own at 15 cuz that’s about the age I fought back against getting woken up to fist to the face. I guess that’s why I asked for a dirt bike and got a lawnmower to make the money myself at 10 in 80’ . I promised myself that I’d never do that to my sons at 18&20 years old and my baby just joined the military today the 20 year old would have been a Marine if he wasn’t blind in one eye and we always reinforced their abilities to do anything.I built clubhouse and treehouses and they got punished but never hit them and the lesson I learned was gonna die with me ‼️✝️🇺🇸
Great overview! We were essentially on our own, left to figure things out by ourselves. Parents weren’t checking in with their kids. Asking for help was not encouraged. We grew up on processed convenience foods/eating out. The television was our “babysitter”. No wonder we were lost.
It seems I need to reflect on the everything that is “Live Through This” tomorrow. Loved this. Spot on. My mom still reminds me she brought me into this world and she’ll take me out. Haha.
This so resonates! My parents were not as bad as others, but there was still neglect and narcissism...and I lived with so much self-doubt and fear (I am finally breaking free from it now.) Thanks for making this GenX feel seen!
You are absolutely right about how we rebelled. And I had no idea what an emotion really was until about 10 years sober. I HATED asking for help, still do. But sobriety depends on that and being helpful. I’m glad I discovered that. The Rocky pic is scarily true. Mom would hit us with whatever was in reach. Ping pong paddle, check. Frying pan, check. Yardstick, check. She broke that on me (“look at what you made me do! Wait till your father gets home!”). She decided to save the yardstick to show dad “just in case.” I found it just before we moved 6 years later and quietly laid it to rest. 🤣. That being said, they did the best they could with what they had and how they grew up. I’m glad I learned all that bc so many things make sense now, and all of us were able to “be ok” before good old dad (he was) left this earthly bond.
Once my stepfather was out of the picture the physical abuse went away but I was nodding my head at the rest of this. Especially the not being allowed to express emotions and the explanation = excuses part. I was basically told that my wants and feelings didn't matter and I'm still dealing with the fallout of that at age 51. It's only been maybe a decade since I was able to unpack enough of it to start to realize that it was OK to take up space and to not go along to get along. The result of that is I'm estranged from most of my family but I honestly don't miss their BS.
It’s only been in recent years that I’ve realized my inability to assert my needs as a child & young adult was due to my upbringing. As an example, whenever I was uncomfortable riding in cars as a kid, I never spoke up. Never once would I have dared to ask the adult driving “Can you please turn on the AC & roll up the window, the wind is ruining my hair” or “I’m freezing, can we turn on the heat?” I just suffered discomfort eternally, I had no voice.
It’s only when I noticed other children politely articulate their needs & receive respectful responses that it became apparent my voicelessness was a symptom of abuse.
There is a 10 year gap between my oldest brother (late cohort Boomer) and I. Went to visit his family after my first enlistment. I couldn't believe he surrendered the TV to his kids so they could watch some show. Then his wife blew my mind when she said she wanted to move to a house in a different neighborhood, but that would put them in a different school district, so they would wait so that her youngest would have a specific teacher in 1st Grade!
I knew I had received a raw deal in too many ways to count, but this was when I began realizing the suck went way deeper.
My parents said they were raising us to be "independent" and "self-sufficient." We came out self-centered and unreliable. Even though my parents are still married at nearly 80, our family was always broken from the start. My parents still claim to be "pacifists," but we got spanked and hit from time to time. The Boomers are a ridiculous generation.
Makes sense; kids who aren’t set up for successfully transitioning to adulthood can come off as “self-centered” only because they’re perpetually in survival mode. You can’t help others much when you need to focus on yourself first ❤️
I appreciate the thought that we might have come across that way for forgivable reasons. But my parents really did set about making us think we are better than other people. These are the type of liberal, progressive people who want to save the world the way that eugenicists did in the very early 20th century. Very good intentions, but not paying enough attention outside themselves to actually get anything very good done.
To be clear…my mom said all of those things to me as a child. But she also persistently told me while growing up that I was smart, beautiful, and could do anything I wanted. Her pet name for me was ‘pretty girl’, and I’m a 6 at best. All that is to say that I don’t think parents who said those things and raised tough kids are bad parents. Life is give and take and you need to develop resilience. Very much enjoyed the article!
Yes, it’s tricky because some parents were just doing the best they could with what they knew at the time, but others were doing the bare minimum because they were self-absorbed.
All parents are doing the best they can with what they know. Most Boomer/GenX parents were young enough to still have some residual selfishness of the young.
I would say most parents are doing the best they can with what they know. The rest are psychopaths or just so arrogant they have no desire to learn from differing perspectives and they deny new information.
I feel this. I am at an age now where I can really see some of the hallmarks of our generation in comparison to others. I work with millennials and my impression of them overall is that they are kinder and more attuned emotionally than GenX. Our generation has so many awesome qualities, but the lingering trauma is evident. I’m happy to see the level of self awareness and healing that is happening in younger generations.
Accurate. I always thought that Gen X was the birth control failure babies our parents couldn't abort. We cramped their style and they resented us for it. We were allowed to be out without supervision because secretly they wanted us to be kidnapped and murdered because they would be rid of us and get attention for being the grieving parents.
I’ve never felt so represented.
Like you, my mum wasn’t those examples you highlighted, but she was a teenage mum. Although she was mature for her age and cared for me in the best way she knew how, I didn’t receive much guidance, because she lost her own mother when she was only seven. As for my dad, he was an intermittent actor in my life - again his own childhood was less than ideal. They both did their best.
I have Ally Sheedy’s face on all occasions. 😂
As you know, I can relate! ❤️
Indeed!
I caught the worst part of it and was living on my own at 15 cuz that’s about the age I fought back against getting woken up to fist to the face. I guess that’s why I asked for a dirt bike and got a lawnmower to make the money myself at 10 in 80’ . I promised myself that I’d never do that to my sons at 18&20 years old and my baby just joined the military today the 20 year old would have been a Marine if he wasn’t blind in one eye and we always reinforced their abilities to do anything.I built clubhouse and treehouses and they got punished but never hit them and the lesson I learned was gonna die with me ‼️✝️🇺🇸
YES, this! You broke the cycle, you have a lot to be proud of ❤️
Great overview! We were essentially on our own, left to figure things out by ourselves. Parents weren’t checking in with their kids. Asking for help was not encouraged. We grew up on processed convenience foods/eating out. The television was our “babysitter”. No wonder we were lost.
It seems I need to reflect on the everything that is “Live Through This” tomorrow. Loved this. Spot on. My mom still reminds me she brought me into this world and she’ll take me out. Haha.
This so resonates! My parents were not as bad as others, but there was still neglect and narcissism...and I lived with so much self-doubt and fear (I am finally breaking free from it now.) Thanks for making this GenX feel seen!
You are absolutely right about how we rebelled. And I had no idea what an emotion really was until about 10 years sober. I HATED asking for help, still do. But sobriety depends on that and being helpful. I’m glad I discovered that. The Rocky pic is scarily true. Mom would hit us with whatever was in reach. Ping pong paddle, check. Frying pan, check. Yardstick, check. She broke that on me (“look at what you made me do! Wait till your father gets home!”). She decided to save the yardstick to show dad “just in case.” I found it just before we moved 6 years later and quietly laid it to rest. 🤣. That being said, they did the best they could with what they had and how they grew up. I’m glad I learned all that bc so many things make sense now, and all of us were able to “be ok” before good old dad (he was) left this earthly bond.
Once my stepfather was out of the picture the physical abuse went away but I was nodding my head at the rest of this. Especially the not being allowed to express emotions and the explanation = excuses part. I was basically told that my wants and feelings didn't matter and I'm still dealing with the fallout of that at age 51. It's only been maybe a decade since I was able to unpack enough of it to start to realize that it was OK to take up space and to not go along to get along. The result of that is I'm estranged from most of my family but I honestly don't miss their BS.
YES, I feel this so much ❤️
It’s only been in recent years that I’ve realized my inability to assert my needs as a child & young adult was due to my upbringing. As an example, whenever I was uncomfortable riding in cars as a kid, I never spoke up. Never once would I have dared to ask the adult driving “Can you please turn on the AC & roll up the window, the wind is ruining my hair” or “I’m freezing, can we turn on the heat?” I just suffered discomfort eternally, I had no voice.
It’s only when I noticed other children politely articulate their needs & receive respectful responses that it became apparent my voicelessness was a symptom of abuse.
There is a 10 year gap between my oldest brother (late cohort Boomer) and I. Went to visit his family after my first enlistment. I couldn't believe he surrendered the TV to his kids so they could watch some show. Then his wife blew my mind when she said she wanted to move to a house in a different neighborhood, but that would put them in a different school district, so they would wait so that her youngest would have a specific teacher in 1st Grade!
I knew I had received a raw deal in too many ways to count, but this was when I began realizing the suck went way deeper.
Yeah I had that same problem. I learned at an early age that I'd mostly be ignored or told to suck it up.
My parents said they were raising us to be "independent" and "self-sufficient." We came out self-centered and unreliable. Even though my parents are still married at nearly 80, our family was always broken from the start. My parents still claim to be "pacifists," but we got spanked and hit from time to time. The Boomers are a ridiculous generation.
Makes sense; kids who aren’t set up for successfully transitioning to adulthood can come off as “self-centered” only because they’re perpetually in survival mode. You can’t help others much when you need to focus on yourself first ❤️
I appreciate the thought that we might have come across that way for forgivable reasons. But my parents really did set about making us think we are better than other people. These are the type of liberal, progressive people who want to save the world the way that eugenicists did in the very early 20th century. Very good intentions, but not paying enough attention outside themselves to actually get anything very good done.
Spot on. And I especially loved the “many faces of generation X” photo.
To be clear…my mom said all of those things to me as a child. But she also persistently told me while growing up that I was smart, beautiful, and could do anything I wanted. Her pet name for me was ‘pretty girl’, and I’m a 6 at best. All that is to say that I don’t think parents who said those things and raised tough kids are bad parents. Life is give and take and you need to develop resilience. Very much enjoyed the article!
Yes, it’s tricky because some parents were just doing the best they could with what they knew at the time, but others were doing the bare minimum because they were self-absorbed.
Thank you!
All parents are doing the best they can with what they know. Most Boomer/GenX parents were young enough to still have some residual selfishness of the young.
I would say most parents are doing the best they can with what they know. The rest are psychopaths or just so arrogant they have no desire to learn from differing perspectives and they deny new information.
This is a solid piece
Who knew that we would actually have words for how we grew up!
Hell I was sure I wouldn’t see 1999 and I surely knew I would never see 250th cuz I remember how big the 200 was and still have some quarters left
I feel this. I am at an age now where I can really see some of the hallmarks of our generation in comparison to others. I work with millennials and my impression of them overall is that they are kinder and more attuned emotionally than GenX. Our generation has so many awesome qualities, but the lingering trauma is evident. I’m happy to see the level of self awareness and healing that is happening in younger generations.
Completely agree ❤️
Very good. You can read some of my own GenX upbringing in my ongoing memoir pre-draft, here:
https://teofilodj.substack.com
😇
Tolerated instead of cherished…. That hit home.
Accurate. I always thought that Gen X was the birth control failure babies our parents couldn't abort. We cramped their style and they resented us for it. We were allowed to be out without supervision because secretly they wanted us to be kidnapped and murdered because they would be rid of us and get attention for being the grieving parents.