The Gen X Guide To Your (My) 50th Birthday

For a good time call 1-975-party on, Wayne

Birthdays usually lose a certain celebratory panache after 21. Once you can legally drink and discover there’s more than just beer, Boone’s Farm, and Zima, future birthdays are often anxiety-producing ties to life goals and expected milestones. I remember a coworker of mine back in the ‘90s saying “I want to graduate with my masters degree by 25, be married by 28, and have babies by 30!” I couldn’t relate to that level of naivety. I was already aware that life rarely rolls out the red carpet so you can glide with ease toward your goals without also including the blinding flashing lights of paparazzi or the #1 fan who stalks you.

This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in working toward specific achievements, just that they shouldn’t be tied to a particular age. This sets you up to feel intense pressure when your birthdays approach and to feeling like a failure if those milestones aren’t realized. You can’t control when (or if) you’ll meet the person you’ll want to partner with for life, so planning it is a fool’s errand that might cause you to settle for someone all wrong for you. Sometimes things happen that impede your success, and that’s okay. You simply power through it and get back on track when you can, which is a lot easier to do when you didn’t burden yourself with the unnecessary stress of accomplishing your goals by arbitrary predetermined dates.

That’s just me showing off I can raise one eyebrow but it also communicates my incredulity rather well, don’t you think

When Gen X was growing up, there was a running joke in sitcoms of women lying about their age after they turned 30. They were always “29”. When my 30th came and went, I was like why did Boomers make such a big deal out of this? I didn’t feel old, I didn’t look old, and I didn’t get it—until I realized how many people feel like losers if they aren’t married, having babies, or earning 6 figures by 30. Plus, people were dying in their 60s more often back in the day so 30 was considered middle-aged.

When my 30th and 40th rolled around, I was unencumbered by these expectations. I was simply grateful for life. Maybe it’s a typical Gen X thing, the attitude that made older people label us “slackers”, or maybe it’s a result of having survived brain surgery as a teen. All I know is I never dreaded getting older and never felt the need to lie about my age.

Curious how the internet suggests commemorating your 5th decade of life, I read a plethora of “50 Things To Do Before Turning 50” lists. There were the expected suggestions, like “travel solo” and “learn a new hobby or skill”, and there were more unique ideas, like “climb the tallest mountain in your state” and “thank someone who shaped you”. Those are great and everything but what I want to talk about are the zany ideas I came across, the ones that made me raise an eyebrow or two.

“Cry Through A Movie”. Say what? This isn’t something that can be forced. You’re either moved to tears when Jack sinks into the Atlantic or you aren’t. Maybe they meant “allow yourself to cry”, but through the whole dang movie?

“Do A Cold Plunge”. Enthusiasts claim plunging yourself into a freezing body of water reduces inflammation and improves mood but I’m not buying the last one. Winter is my grumpiest season. The extreme cold causes my digits to go into the first stages of frostbite, my muscles get sore from shivering, and the gray skies make me SAD. See also: Jack sinking into the Atlantic.

“Look Up An Ex”. Who hasn’t done this already? Nobody needs to hear this idea, it’s literally the first thing most GenXers did when Facebook opened its doors to more than just college kids.

I noticed a common thread among these lists. They seemed to be speaking mostly to women, with suggestions like “Go On a Girls Trip”, “Get A Mammogram”, and “Stop Apologizing Too Much”. So I specifically checked out a list aimed at men to see how the suggestions differ. This one on MensHealth.com did not disappoint.

“Learn To Say ‘No’ To Your Mother”. This one’s for the mama’s boy who always puts his wife second.

“See A Volcano”. But don’t climb it, just gaze at it from a safe distance. And go when it’s close to exploding so you can check yelling “Thar she blows!” off your bucket list.

“Have A Threesome”. Of course! But why stop at 3? Have a foursome, the more the merrier.

“Try Drugs”. More evidence of the DARE campaign’s failure.

Whatever you do to celebrate your 50th, just remember to shrug off old bullshit notions of what 50 is supposed to look like, feel like, and act like. Write that novel, earn that degree, buy an RV and live out your hippie fantasies. And leave the “over the hill” party decorations in the dustbin where they belong. It’s never too late, homie!